Dear English speaking people

Dear English speaking people, or rather non-Swedish people, I pity you, for you will never understand the genius offerings by VSSSIG, Vi som slänger skräp i Gröndal.

Ni andra har många skratt framför er.

Dear third drawer down

Dear third drawer down, I love your pillow case All you need in life by Lilli Hartmann.

It's like you say in your description:

All you need in life

a roof over your head

an apple tree in each direction of the sky

a sheep to keep you warm

a chicken for the eggs, obviously

a monkey to make you laugh

a ghost to make you cry

and finally

two horny bears

------

I'd might just add chocolate, wine, friends, family and a lover.

Dear Moxie

I love this t-shirt.

-the end consumer

Dear tea lover

Dear tea lover, perhaps you're like me. Perhaps you're dreaming of that perfect cup, poured from the kind of design classic pictured above. Well, wake up and smell the coffee! Or rather, wake up and smell the wet wool lining. It looks great, but if you truly love tea, you're better off with a regular pot and cosy. -the end consumer

Dear Gröna Lund

Dear Gröna Lund, thanks for providing me with fantastic entertainment last Friday. Too bad my kid thought it a waste of tickets to let me go on too many rides. She'd rather go by herself and save up on tix.

Dear parents

Does your child do this?

Dear ThatsNutz

Dear ThatsNutz,
How many turd cups did you have in stock to begin with?

I can't tell you how charmed I am by your writing:

Brighten someone's Day! Says "MAY YOUR CUP ALWAYS BE 2 TURDS FULL"

(2 little turds sit in the bottom of the cup)

Warning: Not to be used for consumption of liquids.

Naturally they're sold out.
You give bad taste a face. And a phone number that's really easy to remember.
1 877 NUT DUDE.
I'm not even going to get started on the truck nuts. But I know the world loves them!

Thank you!

Dear Coca Cola Zero

Dear Coca Cola, regarding your ridiculous "life as it should be" campaign, you know the one about how real men like tigers, motorcycles, women on all fours and beverages with artificial sweeteners?

I added a woman on two legs with a stroller and public transportation.
Life as it should be.
You're welcome.

-e

Dear ICA Söderköping

Dear ICA Söderköping, who's your target group?
Angels?

Dear ICA

,


















Dear grocery store ICA Söderköping, the fact that you have a "candy free check-out lane" is wonderful and oppressive at the same time. Much like my parenting style!

Are you my soul mate?
-the end consumer

Dear Apple

Dear Apple, I love how your Photo Booth application is so easy a baby could use it. Actually, babies do use it. Proof above.

-the end consumer

Dear German tourists

Dear German tourists, I love how you love Sweden. And I love how you embrace the concept of the allemansrätt. I just don't love how you look at us inhabitants like exotic species. Like ferrets, lemmings or moose. Peculiar, but kind of cute. In a natural kind of way.

Yes, we are weird because we insist on swimming naked during the summer. But you are weirder for not respecting the privacy that naked swimming demands. You fishing right next to our pier is uncalled for. Fish a little further away.

Yesterday, my brother couldn't take it anymore. He heard himself scream, from where he was in the water, in English: "you're fishing too close to our naked swimming point".

You obliged and moved a little bit away from the naked swimming point, but did not apologize.
We're still upset.

Dear Obama

Even Swedish babies like Mimi are pro-you.
That's Lotta by the way. She's cooking me dinner tomorrow, can't wait.

Dear prime suspect

Dear prime suspect, I love how you responded to the accusation that your fingers matched the holes in this cake:

"But it looked so darn yummy!"

When I told Anders about this, he asked who the prime suspect was. My mom (60+) or Joel (3)?
And suddenly we had 2 prime suspects.

Dear dentist

This is the feeling I'd like to have when I think about going to see you. Can you arrange that? So warm and cuddly.

Dear wearer of shoes

Warning for mixed up shoes! Warning for missing shoes!
I love this notice. And also wonder why this concept is so complicated to the German mind that it takes twice as many words to describe it.

Dear unfit people of the world

Come run with me! It's fun. I'm starting another challenge now.
www.runwithe.blogspot.com

Dear cat owners

Dear cat owners, how about taking an actual mug shot of your cat. To have just in case. You know, so that when it runs away, you don't have to draw a pic that will doubtfully help anyone in identifying your beast.
















Examples from our local Åland grocery store. artist unknown. One of the cats is described as being "social, cuddly and extremely lonely". How touching.

Dear Riddarbageriet

Dear Riddarbageriet, it must be nice to be you.
As I'm sitting here, I just heard a customer tell your cashier:

"Ah, thank God you're open for business again! Once one has tasted your bread, it's impossible to eat anything else!"

Dear parents

Dear parents, if your child is bald like mine, see how easy it is to look into a hairy future with the help of banana dreads.

-the end consumer

ps. When people say their kids are a source of joy, I think they're referring to activities such as these.

Dear Åland

Dear Åland,
you are the end of the world.
To my surprise, I find myself falling in love with you a little bit.

-the end consumer

Summer break

Bye people; I'm leaving for a few weeks in the Finnish house again.

Back in a few weeks. 

big love

-e

Summer conversation

Me:Mom, are you sure you're gonna make the coffee?

Mom: Hrmph, I make coffee all the time!

Me: Yeah, but I mean you're really more of a tea person.

Mom: Whatever.

Me: I'm really sorry mom, you probably make the greatest coffee. Sorry for being so judgmental.

Mom: It's ok. Don't worry about it.

Me: Do you make it strong or weak?

Mom: How should I know? I don't DRINK it. I just make it.

Dear female artisans

Dear female artisans, I'm enjoying summer break in a tiny town on the Swedish coast. Young people here are often parents and they all wear Crocs. They also use a lot of products in their dyed, bleached, tinted and blow dried hair.

There is a small gift shop where female artisans sell their creations. Here, you can also buy tea and chocolate.

Anders: How do you even get away with that?

Me: What?

Anders: You don't even react? Female artisans, chocolate and tea. Like it's some package deal. What is it with you women? This obsession with tea and chocolate. Is it genetic?

Me: I really don't know.

Anders: I'm looking for the equivalent. Male artisans. Beer, chips sold here.

I'm asking you, female artisans, will he find such a gift shop? And! Is it genetic?

Dear Americans

Dear Americans, is it true you don't have ketchup udders ? How do you put ketchup on your hotdogs?

love
-the end consumer

Dear Åland

Dear Åland, thanks for being a weird time tunnel back to the 50s.
Everyone can go there, it's a dirt cheap ticket out of Stockholm on a ridiculously huge boat.

At our local store, they have a beautiful picture of the store intendent
The text reads: Our great leader - setting an example for us all.


















The ice cream looks like it's from the 50s.














And just like in the 50s, not everyone has a Weber. Anders uncle made us a barbecue from what he had: a used sink and a barrel. It worked like magic.

Dear SATC

Dear SATC, may I suggest you put a label on the big box saying "watching all seasons in one summer in the company of your baby might give you more satisfaction than thought humanly possible".

I'd never really watched before.
But Niki and I are having the times of our lives.
Bonus: she's learning English and the importance of female independence from an early age.

possible negative side effect:
might think it important to get married.
-e

Dear reader

On break for a few days. -the end consumer in åland

Dear Historiska Museet

Dear Historiska Museet, thanks for letting a contemporary person like myself feel the weight of a viking helmet.

ps. Where did the horns go? I like horns.

Bonus pic: If the vikings had known the pleasures of wearing glasses.

Dear Electrolux

Dear Electrolux, I bought the weapon alluding Ultra Silencer.
It's quiet alright, but the way you had it set up, so seductively, with a sleeping baby on top of the vacuum cleaner, that has yet to happen.

way to fool a gullible, overly optimistic mom though. You'd think my kids have enough plush toys, but I want them to cuddle with household appliances.

-e