Swedish beach life

Dear accidental designer

I love your work

Spring is on the way

Life in the heart of darkness

Teaching kids important stuff

Wednesday, I had friends over for spinach soup and, more importantly, semlor. 

But the semlor were not as good as I'd hoped. The cream tasted like...refrigerator. 

This led the end consumer to an important decision: time to teach the kids what to do when you pay for a less than satisfactory item - you return to the store and get your money back. No need to be rude or impolite, just state the facts and receive an apology and money back. 

This is especially important when it comes to less than perfect pastries as such items are among the most disappointing experiences in the store. 

ps. Yes, the guests were unhappy about the semlor too. But they were served plenty of chocolate and did not seem to suffer. 

Dear man

The other day I heard you screaming and sputtering upstairs. Sorry for being distracted and putting my foot cream in the mug where we keep toothbrushes while simultaneously putting the tooth paste somewhere else. I didn't do it on purpose. Thanks for staying with me, despite this. 

-emi

ps. how did it taste?

Dear af Chapman

My son and I are looking forward to a night on a ship.

Another morning 1

Some people find it hard to understand that the children will one day grow up and move away from home. I have trouble believing I will wake up one day and things will be where I left them. And all I will have to do is to drink coffee, worry about work and get dressed. No picking up! No tidying up! No diapers, no formula, no dressing other people, no hurrying, no brushing other people's teeth and remembering their homework and bathing suits. Also, no one pretending to be a grizzly bear just waking up after hibernation, no one singing a little just made up song, no 1-year old dancing to snoop dogg. It seems so empty. But clean!

Another morning 2

Another morning 3

Dear 3000 year old mummified cat head on a stick.

It was nice to meet you.

Dear Kungsträdgården

Thanks for introducing the kids to nature friendly means of transportation.

Dear Kungsträdgården

You can take the girl out of the circus, but you can't take the circus out of the girl.

Dear gyms

I have a concept for you to help people with arm strength. Throw in lots of babies who are crappy walkers and weigh 10 kgs or more. 

My kids are like kittens to me these days. Kittens!

Ps. I wasn't lying about the egg caste system thing. In time. in time. 

Promise

when I return, I will talk a little about the caste system of eggs. 

because I'm a sappy mom

 

I'm using this blog to preserve baby laughter. Kid laughter is fine too. And old people laughing. I'm not picky. I wish I'd bottled every variety for eternity

This is my life

This is such a common scenario in my house: I remove one contact only to realize I have no idea where my glasses are. And I can't find them if I take the other contact out, because then I'm legally blind. So I keep one contact in, have a glass of wine, shut the other eye and just say fuck it to finding glasses. 

I'd be a perfect pirate. Sense of perspective- who needs it?

The best of seasons

Dear Lady GaGa

we've got a new dance for your next video. we call it snake arms.

Dear animals

We know what you need. Food, love and exercise. For instance, hamsters. They need it. Living with a 3-year old is like waking up with a tiny walking learning channel. 

ps. Grizzly bears, the dads, they don't take care of the cubs. The dads live alone. But they don't mind it. It's ok. 

ps 2. Mom, I am now the size of a grown male baboon.

Dear Studio Violet

I just want to push your stuff.

Dear Paul Stanley

Looking at this picture of your adorable family I can't help but wonder if you're Adam Sandlers dad as well.

Dear cleaning lady

Dear cleaning lady, because you're to come help us tomorrow, I'm cleaning the entire house. This is because I'm Swedish, not at all comfortable with the concept of even having a cleaning lady. I want you to know that I respect your work and your back and your pension fund so I'm paying you lots of money.

Most of all; I don't want you to know how dirty the place really is. But I tell myself I'm cleaning because I want you to focus on the stuff I never have time to do:mopping the floors.

But you're in my house. You know everything about me.

I recently wrote an article on shoe empress Tamara Mellon, the force behind Jimmy Choo. Other women envy her collection of more than 500 pairs of shoes. Not me. I envy her because she has a woman who runs her house AND a housekeeper.

'She goes into my house and just sorts it out. She deals with the housekeeper and the nanny, she makes sure the fridge is full and the laundry done, the house is clean. If I need to buy a tool kit, she gets it. If I need household appliances, she goes to Peter Jones and buys a blender. So I don't spend my weekends doing things like that. I'd rather have time with my little girl.'

So what does the housekeeper do? 'She's cleaning. She's doing the laundry. She cooks. But the running of it... Elika knows how I want my house to look, how I want it to be organised. I have to prioritise my time. It's such a waste of my valuable time to spend two hours in the morning telling the housekeeper, "Now, stack the laundry like THIS, towels go like THIS in THIS cupboard..." My time is better spent here, working.'

I think I also need two other women to take care of my towel stacking. My time is valuable!

Dear Brad and Angie

Dear Brad and Angie, you have a direct effect on my life. Like yesterday, I read that you, Brad, sometimes wake up and GASP when you look at Angie next to you. It's been a while since I gasped. Execept at situations like these. I love these. Men reading to babies. Hot. Gasp.

And you Angie, you were asked to list your priorities

"Despite her recent award nominations for her Changeling role, Angelina ranked her acting career as fourth in her list of priorities. Being a mother to her children came first, being “a woman to Brad” was second and her charity work was third. "

I read that and asked myself how far down the list being a woman to Anders came. I think around place 19? Being a woman to Brad probably rates 2 for me as well. I read that and put on gold shoes and continued cooking. It was appreciated by all male members of the household.

It was Friday night and then we all watched tv together . "I'm so in touch with my inner woman right now" said Anders as he snacked on candy and drank red wine. And that really made me wonder about my inner man. WHO is he? I have no idea what he likes. I don't even now if he's a gasper.


I often wake up in the morning and gäsp though.

The human condition

Transmitter and receiver, perceiver, a hopeful non-believer.

This sums up my existence.

Dear Länsförsäkringar.

Dear Länsförsäkringar, I honestly hate you. I hate you so much I need to continue in Swedish. It's about a pension fund, so I can't close the account ot get the money until I'm 65.

Länsförsäkringar.
Varje år får jag ett brev från er där ni berättar hur mycket mina pengar har minskat när jag haft dem hos er och hur mycket det kostat er att administrera denna minskande summa. Ni tar 250 kronor per år för att vårda och sköta det lilla lilla pensionskapital jag en gång satte in hos er. Värdeutvecklingen var förra året minus 292 kr. Totalt alltså back 542 kr. Jag får inte ta ut pengarna. Det är ett sådant hån. Men ett ännu större hån är att jag pratat med er om att slippa få brevet. DET GÅR INTE! ni måste skicka ut detta brev. som jag inte vill ha. om hur mina pengar krymper till ingenting och ni fortsätter ta betalt för ADMINISTRATIVA AVGIFTER.

denna slutkonsument kommer aldrig köpa era tjänster igen.
om jag hade fått slippa breven kanske jag hade kunnat överväga det. men ni har er policy.
det har jag med.

ps. När beloppet krympt till 0 kr, kommer jag fortfarande få betala administrativa avgifter till er då? Tills jag fyller 65?

Dear cleaning lady

Dear cleaning lady, because you're to come help us tomorrow, I'm cleaning the entire house. This is because I'm Swedish, not at all comfortable with the concept of even having a cleaning lady. I want you to know that I respect your work and your back and your pension fund so I'm paying you lots of money.

Most of all; I don't want you to know how dirty the place really is. But I tell myself I'm cleaning because I want you to focus on the stuff I never have time to do:mopping the floors.

But you're in my house. You know everything about me.  

I recently wrote an article on shoe empress Tamara Mellon, the force behind Jimmy Choo. Other women envy her collection of more than 500 pairs of shoes. Not me. I envy her because she has a woman who runs her house AND a housekeeper. 

'She goes into my house and just sorts it out. She deals with the housekeeper and the nanny, she makes sure the fridge is full and the laundry done, the house is clean. If I need to buy a tool kit, she gets it. If I need household appliances, she goes to Peter Jones and buys a blender. So I don't spend my weekends doing things like that. I'd rather have time with my little girl.'

So what does the housekeeper do? 'She's cleaning. She's doing the laundry. She cooks. But the running of it... Elika knows how I want my house to look, how I want it to be organised. I have to prioritise my time. It's such a waste of my valuable time to spend two hours in the morning telling the housekeeper, "Now, stack the laundry like THIS, towels go like THIS in THIS cupboard..." My time is better spent here, working.'

I think I also need two other women to take care of my towel stacking. My time is valuable!

Dear Moderna Museet

Thanks for being so baby friendly as you are, arranging guided tours for 15 month old babies (and younger).It's about time Niki learns the difference between a Matisse and a Magritte.

Dear popcirkus

You have a friend in Anders. 

"Emi, want to watch popcirkus with me?"

"Nah, I have some work to do"

"But Emi, it flopped. That's always a good sign to me". 

He really hates sharing the view of the many.

Dear sushi makers of the world

how come sushi is never sold in a sushi & chocolate bar combo?

-the end consumer, who's eaten sushi for more than a decade, but never once without craving chocolate chocolate and chocolate

Dear bra-expert

Dear bra-expert, don't you think you're taking your job a little too seriously? I love a dedicated woman, but remember how I asked if you could take my measurements?

I just needed to know what size I am cause I don't. I keep my sewing utensils together. Measuring tape, scissors, etc. Joel has found them and used the measuring tape to gauge the scissors and the scissors to cut up the tape.

DVF has an online sale. I need to know my size. You hesitantly took my measurements. But you wanted me to know:
"I'm a bra expert.

no half-assing. You could take no responsibility for measuring my waist and butt. I understand you and am sorry if I offended you.
so I still don't really know what size I am. Isn't there a placer where they can just laser one up?