Two days in the life of the end consumer

On Fridays, I stay home with Joel. Or at least I keep him home from daycare. He helps me with my important job: product testing the world.



















Interesting mom jeans at ACNE.



















He can't afford it, but he likes it. Chances of my own grandkids being named Charles and Ray? Increased.















The reading section at the Tekniska museet was excellent.
(ps. nice ass, gramps.)


















The half woman/half separator rides the cow. The weirdest thing the end consumer and assistant have seen since the child crawling out of egg debacle.

The next day we tried the wonderful Bokslukaren cafe/store and met up with friends.














After coffee, everyone wanted to go to the park, where our kids looked like they formed some kind of subversive group with members ranging from Santa Claus to the Unabomber.


















But the view wasn't bad.

New species

Remember a few years back, when remnants of a tiny humanoid race was found in the island of Flores?

A similar discovery was made recently, when explorers found a group of tiny, orange muscled men wearing minimalistic loincloths, each marked with a number. They communicated with each other by saying "fitniss, fitniss" over and over. Sometimes they also said "reps" and "protein".

we at the end consumer think they're cute! we'd like to have one!

Why?

Dear readers, how did you come here and why do you read this?
Every day I feel like quitting. I want thousands of readers or none.
I suffer from illusions of grandeur. Or I don't really suffer, I just have them.

But you, the 200 or so that stop by here every day, what do you want to read about? Where do you live, what do you do?

I don't know why I write here, I think I like the prospect of conserving my days and life.

You are my end consumers. what do you want?
-your king

Dear A.P.C

Dear A.P.C, if the camera adds 10 pounds, then how much does the girl you've chosen as an ideal wearer of your clothes weigh in real life?

-the end consumer

Sexy headlines

When reading about recent forays into human/animal matchmaking on a cellular level, you know, like the cow/human experiments, I could only think about a joke I once read in The Bedside Playboy:

What do you get when you breed a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time just an onion with long ears, but every now and then a piece of ass that will make your eyes water.

Ps.
Those ancient Babylonians beat the Brits to it. And as you can see it the top picture, they also threw a bird into the mix just to show off.

Before you get a tattoo

Try it on in your mirror.
You could also make your own perpetual rainbow view.
Maija is king.

-the end consumer

Spoiled shallow brat

The other day I wrote about a child crawling out from an egg-doll. There were people who wondered how I found that doll. I found it because when I'm really broke, I buy stuff I don't need.
I rarely buy things I don't need otherwise. I've analyzed this over and over and this is my conclusion:
It is to prove to myself that I'm not so broke that I can't buy things. In fact, I'm so not broke that I can even buy shit I don't even need!

I really mean this.
And that's why I bought a ceramic mug to hold my pens and a bisque kewpie doll.
I can not imagine two less necessary items.

Don't follow my example.
-the end consumer

Dear Bugaboo

Dear Bugaboo, this is the view I have of my baby when walking around town. you've mistakenly put a huge bar across your pricey but otherwise great stroller.

You should lower the height of the bar just a little. Then the view would be more like this:



















I thought the problem was my own humble height - 1.66 cm, I mean 1.66 m, but my 1.83 m dad had the same experience.

I apologize to readers who find this post boring.
But after all, this is a blog from the consumer's perspective.
And when you too have a baby in a Bugaboo, you'll thank me. They will have lowered the bar.

love
-the end consumer

Dear Meringue makers of the world

Dear Meringue makers of the world, how is one supposed to eat this with one's dignity intact?
-the end consumer

Dear Mini Rodini 2

Dear Mini Rodini, product testing was fun.
-the end consumer

Dear Mini Rodini

Dear Mini Rodini, I want everything in your store.
For myself. Would you consider making adult sizes too?
You could call it Meanie Rodini, for all individuals who are in the 6+ age bracket.
Thank you!

-the end consumer

Dear seller of vintage dolls

Dear seller of vintage dolls, this piece is so weird and your description is so accurate.
I hope you find someone willing to fork over the 245 bucks you're asking for.























love from
-the end consumer

Dear Apple II

Dear Apple, thanks for making one of the greatest inventions in parent history!
As a modern, computer loving woman and mother, I salute you for the ingenious rear view computer mirror, enabling me to type with my baby on my lap.

Using Photo Booth, I can see Niki's face while holding her with her back to me.
so great!

It may well be the greatest unforeseen product benefit since mobile texting. or green M&Ms.

love
-the end consumer

Dear Depend

Dear Depend, for complicated reasons I shall not go into, I browsed your site today.
Perhaps I am a person who needs "encouragement and information for people with incontinence" perhaps I am a person who cares about them.

Let's leave that a mystery!
But there's another, more interesting mystery here.
I checked out your product sections - one for men, one for women.

Naturally, I checked out the female section first.






Look at these women! They have fun! They don't let bladder control get in the way of living their lives!
They share secrets, joy and sorrow. They might even discuss their use of Depends!
It left me with a warm and fuzzy feeling.

Time for the men!
They're addressed like this:






Is this what it's like? A man can only talk about bladder issues with his dog? No one else will listen? Does a man who wears Depend lose all his friends? Except for man's best friend?

Say it ain't so.
-the end consumer

ps. I keep typing deep end instead of depend. How Freudian is that?
ps 2. After taking a closer look, I have to say that dog doesn't look so into the conversation either.

Dear pregnant women, part II

Dear pregnant women, as previously promised, I'm selling my maternity wear here and now.



















First up, a silk top with little birds on it.



















Looks great with baby too!


















Also looks good hanging on your wall.



















Pregnant women who like to fool themselves into thinking they still have Lolita-appeal could buy this. We at the end consumer suggest you wear leggings or use self-tanner to avoid the whiter shade of pale look of model's legs above.

interested potential buyers, get in touch by mailing emi@lovegun.net

cheesy greetings
-the end consumer

Dear Mariebad adventure pool

Dear Mariebad adventure pool, I love you for your firm stand on swim trunks.
You clearly hate them!




















I also like the way you declare the rules for your nude uni-sex sauna. No words necessary. Or bathing suits. Or even Speedos.

-the end consumer

Dear Boing Boing

Dear Boing Boing, we, the people of end consumers, thank you for directing attention to this .

Dear Siemens

Dear Siemens, with all the new technology available, isn't there some way you could install a scanning device into your washing machines? I mean, isn't there a way you could help me detect a stray diaper before the washing cycle is complete?

hopeful greetings
-the end consumer

Dear reader

Dear reader, I'm taking an easter break.Will be back Tuesday.
Eat lots of eggs.

love
-e

Dear Keep Calm

Dear Keep Calm people, how much do I love your work?
Let me count the ways.
Ok. I lost count.
I'm putting this poster in my office to remind myself of the basics in writing.

love from
-the end consumer

Dear pregnant women

Because I am no longer pregnant, I will sell my belly friendly clothes. Coming up next, with stories.

love from the end consumer, who recommends kidz shoppen if you want to buy stuff for your kids online in Sweden. Their customer service is so friendly and helpful, you almost wish for your stuff to break!

Dear McDonalds 2

Dear McDonalds,
I've been thinking about how you could be more environmentally friendly.
Every time I eat at your place I want to kill myself for all the wrappings and covers.

Last time, I said I didn't need a cup to go with the milk carton.
I wanted to spare one unnecessary cup. Your employee did not share my quest. She threw the new unused cup away. So much for going green.

And the toys in the happy meals?
I don't know any kids who keep playing with them after they've left McD. Couldn't you place a recycling bin by the entrance? And just clean the toys?

And all those wrappings... there must be some way around it.
personally, I'd be fine with you placing the burger and fries straight on the fresh paper on the tray.

Also, please start using organic meat from a farm near me.

I think that's all.
Until you do, I'll start a boycott of one, even I that means I miss out on extremely important events.
Feel the heat!

-the end consumer

Dear hair people at Västermalmsgallerian

Dear hair people at Västermalmsgallerian, thanks for trying to give my hair a decent look by using your weird flat iron on it. Too bad it all smelled like something burning and too bad your salesperson sounded like a human tape recorder. Also her hair looked fried.
When I lied and said "I'll think about it" as a reply to her offer on the flat iron, she smiled and said:

"Thinking won't give you curls."

It sounds like an old proverb don't you think?
But it's not.
This is what I want to tell you, hair people at Västermalmsgallerian:
Nothing gives any member of our family curly hair. It goes back to flat and static however you treat it. And it grows extremely slow. Look at Joel above. His head grows so much faster than his hair.
As a result, we've never had to cut his hair.
Perhaps thinking helps your head grow?
No haircut = no hairdresser expenses.

Pinching pennies the natural way.
-the end consumer

Dear Our Children's Gorilla

Dear Our Children's Gorilla,
thanks for showing your belief in the fact that kids are people, not pets.

-the end consumer

ps. Hands up everyone who wants this wool rug:

Dear Isak

Dear Isak, what a great penguin blanket.
love from

-the end consumer

Dear Sweden's National Food Administration

Dear Sweden's National Food Administration, thanks for changing the guidelines concerning nursing mothers and alcohol.

We celebrated with champagne.

-the end consumer

Dear reader

Dear reader, one of these three kids experienced a very important event yesterday.
Which one, and what was it?

from left to right:
Niki, Joel and Vanja
-the end consumer



















yes. first loss of tooth. which I guess also marked an important day for myself.
Yesterday a regular mom. Today - tooth fairy! You can still call me emi.

Dear parent of a dinosaur loving kid

Nina Beckmann, Sarah Sheppard, Sara Teleman and little Simon Sheppard.

Dear parent of a dinosaur loving kid, Sarah Sheppard, Simon's mother, just published a book on ancient lizards. It's so great.

Joel almost 3 declared: I don't want dinner, I just want to read about dinosaurs.

Great literature - brings knowledge, helps you save dollars on food.

-the end consumer

Dear Pampers

Dear Pampers, today I met up with Jonas to discuss new business ideas. One idea I wanted to develop was the concept of the full body diaper.

While modern diapers cover the baby's behind and then some, many parents agree that this is too little. Four days in a row, my baby has managed to stain shirt, socks and pants.

The full body diaper would solve this problem.
Jonas was encouraging. Since he is the father of Simon below, he knew what I was talking about. But do you?

-the end consumer.

Dear baby

Dear baby, it was so much fun watching your new best friend Simon charm the ladies. In this picture, he'd just told everyone at the table "I only date models".

love from
-the end consumer