Thursday, November 24, 2011


I don't know about you, but to me, parenting is 50% crazy love like you've never experienced it before and 50% craziness like playing the most stressful computer game ever invented. As soon as you think you've got everything under control, new objects appear on the scene, new problems/challenges emerge that must be solved by you INSTANTLY.

I was thinking about this yesterday when I woke up to chaos, solved chaos, calmed hysterics, helped my son out of the summer clothes he'd picked for the drizzly november rain, changed clothes on my youngest daughter again so that she would only be wearing items marked with a disgusting, bodyless, mouthless cat face branded HELLO KITTY. Then tried to remember I must buy Vanja tooth protection for her upcoming Karate fight, new shoes for Joel, serving breakfast while almost burning down the house (don't leave your French Toast on the stove while running up to a different floor to get yet another set of HELLO KITTY clothes), realizing all gloves were mysteriously gone, the pram suddenly broken, so had to carry small but impressively heavy and muddy gloveless girl all the way to daycare before dropping the older kids off at school but first I had to console oldest daughter because I'd forgotten ("how could you forget, mom?!!!?") the gift containing 12 different items we should all have prepared for less fortunate young individuals in faraway countries.

Working up to level 4, pick kids up from daycare, clean the house, cook dinner, do laundry, see to it that everyone's happy, see a 6-year old carrying a plate of pasta with one hand, see same person drop it on the floor, see younger kid instantly grab the wonderful opportunity to dance around in ketchup and spaghetti. Start cleaning the house all over again. Your 4-year old wants to tell you something important, but she also believes she's a cat, so all that comes out of her mouth is meow, meow, meow-meow. MEOW MEOW MEOW!!!! You ask her to please tell whatever it is she wants to say in a human tongue, she replies MEOW???? She looks really upset.

Try to stay sane and don't yell at anyone, cause it will only backfire, taking you up to level 5, messy fights before you've had a decent chance to have dinner yourself.

Next day! Ooops! Mail from daycare! Pinworms in the building. In same mail, they welcome you to come have coffee and treats made by pinworm carrying suspects. No joke! Move up to level 6.

You'd forgotten about coffee and treats and have a deadline for tomorrow but would you really want your kid to be the only one there without a parent present? Your spouse is in Beirut. You'll have to work tonight, sleep is overrated, you're used to not sleeping anyways as you haven't slept a whole night for 10 years. Move up to level 7.

There's an itch in your scalp and yes, there have been reports about lice at school. That means you'll have to wash all the bed linen tonight! All five beds. Just do it. You have a washing machine, think about all the people who still do their laundry by hand. Also, you can afford lice treatment. You lucky devil.

Scratching your head in what you hope to be a discreet way, you're told one of your kids has been totally out of line at school. What will you do about it? On the bus, complete strangers offer "helpful advice" on how to dress your children. You refrain from violence cause it's just not your style. Not yet. Move up to level 8.

You master level 8 (including all the above + putting people to sleep + further laundry - all the covers of your white couches). Now the kids are all sleeping and you're planning a dinner party for tomorrow, cause while you might have to stay home with kids you refuse the notion that that would mean you can't see your friends. Your friends are the mountain that you insist will have to come to your Muhammad (adding a dinner for friends while taking care of your kids brings you up to to level 9 but you think you'll manage). But before you start cooking for tomorrow, you just have to sneak in and look at the kids while they're sleeping. One of them made an "I love you mummy" drawing today and another one retold a really long story about Thor and he told it so well you couldn't believe this is the same kid you've been told wasn't listening in class. And the third one told you about how FUN the music class was, how they were all singing and then she belts out a tune and your heart MELTS.

They're so tall in their sleep, how could they have grown so? Where are all the rounded tummies you knew so well, the almost bald baby heads? How can your youngest be almost 4? How is it that they now want to hear Harry Potter instead of Little Bear? Where did all those days, weeks, years go? What were you so busy doing? Now that they're sleeping, you think parenting might actually be 85% crazy love and just 15 % crazy computer game.

At 7:32 AM however, those figures will be reversed. Round noon back to 50/50.

Have fun!