Sunday, March 30, 2008

Dear Depend

Dear Depend, for complicated reasons I shall not go into, I browsed your site today.
Perhaps I am a person who needs "encouragement and information for people with incontinence" perhaps I am a person who cares about them.

Let's leave that a mystery!
But there's another, more interesting mystery here.
I checked out your product sections - one for men, one for women.

Naturally, I checked out the female section first.

Look at these women! They have fun! They don't let bladder control get in the way of living their lives!
They share secrets, joy and sorrow. They might even discuss their use of Depends!
It left me with a warm and fuzzy feeling.

Time for the men!
They're addressed like this:

Is this what it's like? A man can only talk about bladder issues with his dog? No one else will listen? Does a man who wears Depend lose all his friends? Except for man's best friend?

Say it ain't so.
-the end consumer

ps. I keep typing deep end instead of depend. How Freudian is that?
ps 2. After taking a closer look, I have to say that dog doesn't look so into the conversation either.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Dear pregnant women, part II

Dear pregnant women, as previously promised, I'm selling my maternity wear here and now.

First up, a silk top with little birds on it.

Looks great with baby too!

Also looks good hanging on your wall.

Pregnant women who like to fool themselves into thinking they still have Lolita-appeal could buy this. We at the end consumer suggest you wear leggings or use self-tanner to avoid the whiter shade of pale look of model's legs above.

interested potential buyers, get in touch by mailing

cheesy greetings
-the end consumer

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Dear Mariebad adventure pool

Dear Mariebad adventure pool, I love you for your firm stand on swim trunks.
You clearly hate them!

I also like the way you declare the rules for your nude uni-sex sauna. No words necessary. Or bathing suits. Or even Speedos.

-the end consumer

Dear Boing Boing

Dear Boing Boing, we, the people of end consumers, thank you for directing attention to this .

Dear Siemens

Dear Siemens, with all the new technology available, isn't there some way you could install a scanning device into your washing machines? I mean, isn't there a way you could help me detect a stray diaper before the washing cycle is complete?

hopeful greetings
-the end consumer

Friday, March 21, 2008

Dear reader

Dear reader, I'm taking an easter break.Will be back Tuesday.
Eat lots of eggs.


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Dear Keep Calm

Dear Keep Calm people, how much do I love your work?
Let me count the ways.
Ok. I lost count.
I'm putting this poster in my office to remind myself of the basics in writing.

love from
-the end consumer

Dear pregnant women

Because I am no longer pregnant, I will sell my belly friendly clothes. Coming up next, with stories.

love from the end consumer, who recommends kidz shoppen if you want to buy stuff for your kids online in Sweden. Their customer service is so friendly and helpful, you almost wish for your stuff to break!

Dear McDonalds 2

Dear McDonalds,
I've been thinking about how you could be more environmentally friendly.
Every time I eat at your place I want to kill myself for all the wrappings and covers.

Last time, I said I didn't need a cup to go with the milk carton.
I wanted to spare one unnecessary cup. Your employee did not share my quest. She threw the new unused cup away. So much for going green.

And the toys in the happy meals?
I don't know any kids who keep playing with them after they've left McD. Couldn't you place a recycling bin by the entrance? And just clean the toys?

And all those wrappings... there must be some way around it.
personally, I'd be fine with you placing the burger and fries straight on the fresh paper on the tray.

Also, please start using organic meat from a farm near me.

I think that's all.
Until you do, I'll start a boycott of one, even I that means I miss out on extremely important events.
Feel the heat!

-the end consumer

Monday, March 17, 2008

Dear hair people at Västermalmsgallerian

Dear hair people at Västermalmsgallerian, thanks for trying to give my hair a decent look by using your weird flat iron on it. Too bad it all smelled like something burning and too bad your salesperson sounded like a human tape recorder. Also her hair looked fried.
When I lied and said "I'll think about it" as a reply to her offer on the flat iron, she smiled and said:

"Thinking won't give you curls."

It sounds like an old proverb don't you think?
But it's not.
This is what I want to tell you, hair people at Västermalmsgallerian:
Nothing gives any member of our family curly hair. It goes back to flat and static however you treat it. And it grows extremely slow. Look at Joel above. His head grows so much faster than his hair.
As a result, we've never had to cut his hair.
Perhaps thinking helps your head grow?
No haircut = no hairdresser expenses.

Pinching pennies the natural way.
-the end consumer

Dear Our Children's Gorilla

Dear Our Children's Gorilla,
thanks for showing your belief in the fact that kids are people, not pets.

-the end consumer

ps. Hands up everyone who wants this wool rug:

Dear Isak

Dear Isak, what a great penguin blanket.
love from

-the end consumer

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Dear Sweden's National Food Administration

Dear Sweden's National Food Administration, thanks for changing the guidelines concerning nursing mothers and alcohol.

We celebrated with champagne.

-the end consumer

Dear reader

Dear reader, one of these three kids experienced a very important event yesterday.
Which one, and what was it?

from left to right:
Niki, Joel and Vanja
-the end consumer

yes. first loss of tooth. which I guess also marked an important day for myself.
Yesterday a regular mom. Today - tooth fairy! You can still call me emi.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Dear parent of a dinosaur loving kid

Nina Beckmann, Sarah Sheppard, Sara Teleman and little Simon Sheppard.

Dear parent of a dinosaur loving kid, Sarah Sheppard, Simon's mother, just published a book on ancient lizards. It's so great.

Joel almost 3 declared: I don't want dinner, I just want to read about dinosaurs.

Great literature - brings knowledge, helps you save dollars on food.

-the end consumer

Dear Pampers

Dear Pampers, today I met up with Jonas to discuss new business ideas. One idea I wanted to develop was the concept of the full body diaper.

While modern diapers cover the baby's behind and then some, many parents agree that this is too little. Four days in a row, my baby has managed to stain shirt, socks and pants.

The full body diaper would solve this problem.
Jonas was encouraging. Since he is the father of Simon below, he knew what I was talking about. But do you?

-the end consumer.

Dear baby

Dear baby, it was so much fun watching your new best friend Simon charm the ladies. In this picture, he'd just told everyone at the table "I only date models".

love from
-the end consumer

Dear dry cleaner

Dear dry cleaner, today when I dropped off a white rug at your place, it was all rolled up and I told you there was a stain and you asked "what kind of stain, is it coffee or wine or what is it?". I said "it's dog poop" and that was a lie.

In your opinion, what's worse, dog poop or kiddie poop?
Lying in your own best interest

-the end consumer

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Dear Fiat

Dear Fiat, in a time when one should consider not driving at all or at least a whole lot less, you know what you've made me do?
Dream about owning a Fiat 500.

It's become my motivation. I will work to have my own little Fiat. I might not even drive it. I just want it. Consumerism at its worst. Congratulations, you've seduced me. Now the only problem is deciding which one of the 549 936 combinations I want.

To be honest, I really want the original 500, but safety first, aesthetics second. Sad but true.

-end consumer on wheels

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Speaking of Zabar's

Any of you reading this live close to Zabar's? I'd like to buy some coffee,but they don't ship overseas. Could you help me?

-the very picky end consumer

Dear Zabar's

Dear Zabar's, somehow one doesn't trust you with that Spanish.

-the end consumer

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Dear Maxi Cosi

Dear Maxi Cosi, next time you plan to put a new product on the market, please contact me. Your new pram, named Maxi Cosi Mura may sound fine in any other language. In Sweden it'sa little too much like MaxiKussimurra. That would be like Maxi Coochi. Not what you were thinking, was it?

You need my help.
-the end consumer

Dear inventor of the English language

Dear inventor of the English language, I bet you had a blast when you invented the word orthotics. Let's laugh at people with funny feet. Especially the non-native speakers. Inventor of the English language, you're a mean bastard. I hope you need orthotics too!

-the end consumer

Monday, March 10, 2008

Dear, beloved, treasured Fiorentini and Baker

Dear, beloved, treasured Fiorentini and Baker, you have made me such a very happy woman.
I have written so much about the trials of my feet, but now, for the first time in AGES I have great news to share with those of you who share my strange fate, that of human beings born with duck feet.

The answer to our prayers is Fiorentini + Baker, Italian boots with style AND room for inserts.
Sure they're expensive, but cheaper than surgery and do not require sick leave.
Spread the word.

I'm saving up to visit their store in Bologna.
Join me if you can.

-a happy end consumer

Dear Spårvägsmuseet

Dear Spårvägsmuseet, you have singlehandedly restored my faith in humanity. When people try to tell you we live in the age of the greedy individualist, Spårvägsmuseet shows their trust in their fellow man.

They have a cafe, filled with delicacies. But no one is working there.
Instead, they have a "help yourself and pay when you leave" policy.
The cashier is far, far away.

I love this policy so much, it's a joy to shop there. It's so naive, so foolish, so wonderful!
I buy things I hardly even want, just because I so appreciate the trust in my honesty.

Thankyou, Spårvägsmuseet!

giddy greetings
-the end consumer

Friday, March 7, 2008

Dear McDonalds

If you click this picture, you can see static electricity appear before your own eyes!

Dear McDonalds, I once lived in the States. Because I did, I sometimes crave artificial tastes. I know you say everything at McD is real, but come on! It's better than real so it has to be fake.

I specifically crave your breakfast items, such as the McMuffin Egg & Bacon, which may or may not have harmed a single animal. (Or married, what difference does it make?)

You stop serving breakfast at 10am.
I arrived at my local McDonalds at 09.58 am. There was a line. When it was my turn, I ordered my McMuffin but was told breakfast was no longer served! It was 10.03 am.

How ridiculously rigid is this policy?

Disappointed greetings from the end consumer.

Ps. Please stop it with those balloons for the kids! My kids have Swedish hair and don't need help with the static.

Dear Post-it®

Dear Post-it®, today I was the unwilling, unknowing victim of a vicious attack, made possible by you. All day, I walked around, smiling innocently while my back told the world a different story.

I saw Vanja scribbling something on a piece of paper this morning.
But never could I imagine what she had planned!

At dinner, Anders asked what I had on my back.
Appalled, I realized I'd been wearing the Post-it® for some ten hours.
We inspected it closely.

"Jag älskar ksit".

For those of you who don't speak/read Swedish, that translates to
"I love hsit".

Had my daughter not been such a poor speller, people might actually have thought I was a poop lover.

You made this possible, Post-it®.
What do you have to say to your defense?

Upset greetings
-the end consumer

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Dear Mr Police Officer

Dear Mr Police officer, you stopped my car in the street yesterday.
You asked to see my license and then made me blow your thing according to instructions.
You wanted to know about my recent alcohol intake, but perhaps was too shy to ask?

I was so happy.
If I was stopped by the police, it means I'm actually driving! Finally!

I'm making progress. So happy.
-the end consumer

Dear H&M

She's getting fatter, I'm getting mom jeans.

Dear H&M, I see you just bought the Cheap Monday jeans empire. Good for you. Good for Örjan and Lars.
I have another denim-oriented idea.

I know you sell maternity jeans.
But how about after delivery?
When you can't wear your regular jeans? And are too sick of your maternity wear that you can't wear them even if they are the only things that fit?

I'm talking mom jeans. But not the regular kind.
I mean nice jeans, but jeans you only wear for the few months when you're in between jeans.

Interim jeans.

When you're not quite yourself yet.
Not a (pregnant) girl. Not yet a (back to your old self) woman.

Like the jeans I'm wearing now, they were fine a month ago when I purchased them, now they already have that Gällivarehäng-look you anglos call baggy.

This is how it'd work. You'd sell flattering denim in regular sizes with a small metal badge attached to them. As the wearer slims down by the help of breastfeeding, long walks or sudden flu attacks, she comes in to the store, shows the badge and gets to buy her next pair to a great discount.

What do you say?

Moms all over the world will thank you. So will the people who love them but hate the sight of their exposed behinds.

I'm giving you this idea for free.

love from
-the end consumer

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Dear Dad

Dear dad, thank you for trying to surprise my kids by using magic to bring eggs out of your pockets.

Too bad you didn't hear Anders when he told me someone had cunningly/mischievously mixed up the hard boiled/soft boiled signs.

You thought they were hard boiled when you put them down your pocket.
I feel for you.

And thought you kind of saved your ass when you confessed to the kids:

"It was real magic! I put down hard boiled eggs in my pocket and now they're soft boiled!"

The thing with kids though, is that they try to repeat other people's tricks!

In other words: HIDE THE EGGS!

-the end consumer

ps. I know you were once referred to as a "good egg". But you can chill with the egg tricks for now. Easter's a few weeks away.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Dear beloved clog

Dear beloved clog, see how I so cherished the idea of wearing you that pain or logic couldn't stop me?

I know that clog looks like it's a medieval find from a bog, but it's my shoe. And there are people on facebook naming me among their top fashion friends! The fools!

Feet must be punished.
Prison garb must be donned.