Saturday, April 30, 2016

now they're too big to be picked up.

looking forward to grandkids.

chasing ferrante

I have trouble respecting the fact that Elena Ferrante wants to remain anonymous.

Wanting to put a face to the voice is an itch.

I'm not the respectful person I'd like to be.

I'm googling googling googling and now I've found the person that fits my take on the author.

Only trouble is my Elena is a few years younger than the Elena of the books.

I don't think she'd tweak her age in the books, they're too authentic in feel.

Instead, I tried to persuade myself that my ideal Elena perhaps tweaked her date of birth on her professional C.V because "women sometimes lie about their age".

steeping very low in this endeavor.

ps. also love this Elena quote on her potential male identity:

And, if there’s no author photo of a woman then the game is up: it’s clear, in that case, that we are dealing with a man or an entire team of virile male enthusiasts of the art of writing. 

sacrificing aspirations in the name of affections

This is a great quote that sums up about 95% of my working life. Only time I've felt completely undistracted from the joy and worries for my affections have been when I've worked in a different country than the one where my children happen to be.

Women, in all fields – whether mothers or not – still encounter an extraordinary number of obstacles. They have to hold too many things together and often sacrifice their aspirations in the name of affections. To give an outlet to their creativity is thus especially arduous. It requires a great deal of motivation, strict discipline and many compromises. Above all, it entails quite a few feelings of guilt. And in order not to cut out a large part of one’s private life, the creative work should not swallow up every other form of self-expression. But that is the most complicated thing.

from an interview with Elena Ferrante in The Gentlewoman

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Sade is forever. Love her always always always

So composed, talented, powerful amazing.

Joel & Wylie

4 months in

I keep waking up at dawn, thinking to myself "what a nightmare, I dreamed dad died".

Still can't believe it's really happened. I hope it never sinks in.

My life is currently lived in two tracks - one where dad will come back and one where he won't. I prefer first track, knowing full well that's not a reality. But it's my preferred reality. The other will win out by virtue of the actual reality. no rush.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

"Everything happens for a reason"

People love saying "well, everything happens for a reason".

I could not disagree more.

In my experience, nothing seems to happen for a reason.

Things just more or less tend to happen, and then you have deal with them.

the reason, if it ever shows up, is more often than not, invented post-event by a creative, sometimes overly optimistic mind.

But I insist:

Nothing happens for a reason.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Clothes that made the mysterious transition from daydream into my actual life

(though did return H&M blouse above)

(I love this dress. Love it. it's my goto LBD. it's from Filippa K)

This is my original sin dress with adam & eve, snake and forbidden fruit.

feeling sinful in an original way.

this dress is so pretty but it's also old and sadly, it's starting to show. but such a great cut and the cream crepe fabric is beautiful.

I once wore this on a train journey to a writer's workshop weekend. 

kerber on a model

kerber on a mom

kerber on a model

kerber on a mom. pencil skirt is actually very soft and comfortable. a miracle in itself.

Home office

lonely but cosy.

Friday, April 15, 2016

"So will you stay in Stockholm or go back to NYC - where will you live?"

This spring, Niki (our 8-year old) and I currently live in Stockholm while my 
husband and two older kids are in NYC. This is a less than ideal situation. 

So Niki and I will move back to NYC after summer (will reunite with other half of family fulltime starting in June). 

We have to move apartments because our landlady needs her apt back. It's ok. What now? Manhattan?

I love Stockholm too so am a bit torn.

But Stockholm is my longterm plan. Meanwhile, another year in NYC won't hurt. Just look at this pic, NYC in feb, a few years ago. 

If you've never been to Stockholm

it looks like this, right now.

WTF New York Post

The most common thought when reading the NYP is WTF.

But usually with some kind of mirth involved because though vulgar, populistic and inane, the Post is often funny in an intensely NYC kind of way.

But after today's endorsement of Donald Trump, you've lost yet another buyer.

will still read your headlines though. Guilty pleasure if I ever had one. But agree with you? Never.


I got married once and I loved it. It was a very low-budget affair. 
Since I married a man I had already lived together with for 10 years and had 3 kids with, I thought : I'll just go with what I already have. Do my own hair and make. Wear a fave dress I've also had for years. Use my earrings for wedding bands. You know, like people do. 
Oh they don't?
Well, it was all great and I felt like myself and I was very very happy.

I've never really had the "princess for a day"-dream. I'm more of an Empress every day-person.  Though I don't really dress like one, but that's another thing.

BUT! Sometimes I feel like getting married again and if so would say a resounding YES to this DRESS:

This is also really working for me.
I want to spend the rest of my life together with this dress and I might. 

And this. I'll wear this as I walk around NYC, Gotland, Italy and Stockholm, spreading word about books, music and love. "Who is that?" people will ask. Oh it's just Emi Guner and that's just one of her MANY fabulous dresses. 

Ps. These dresses are all from Christy Dawn's eponymous line. She designs dresses that are all made from deadstock fabric - putting no additional stress on the environment. Only stress produced is the intense gotta have it-explosions in individuals like myself. 

PS 2. If I ever divorce, my next husband will be this dress: 

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

If I ever go to Frankfurt

If I ever go to Frankfurt, will have to go see this subway entrance for myself at the Bockenheimer Warte station.

Browsing air b'n'b

sometimes it's just weird.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Monday, April 11, 2016

posted this 2 years ago, feel it's still true so re-posting it

Bounce back after baby

The pressure to get back in shape should be off mothers of the newborn. The mother is newborn too.

When you've just had a baby, had your body and mind experience something it's never been through before, are more vulnerable than ever, are about to see how your relationship with your significant other goes on a roller coaster, sleep less, experience what hormones can do to mind and temper, experience every sound and sight impression just like a newborn and might or might not be totally in love with a new person. 

Both full on love and waiting to connect can be very taxing. In cases when you're not in love with your baby just yet, wait and see, it will happen, don't panic. How many people would you fall in love with if they were just screaming at you while taking all of your time, never thank you and then fall asleep? Around 2 months though, they start connecting and for many of us, it's a love like no other. But it's a lot happening in those first months and the mother's figure shouldn't have to count among her top concerns.

I say fuck the bounce back-craze. Take your time, and your child's. Revel in this new stage. If you want to get back to  the shape you had before baby, you can do it later. But in just weeks or months after baby, focus on what's important. 

Adjusting to this new life. Walking with stroller (or even alone - on your wonderful own while giving the other parent/friend/family member a chance to bond too without your distracting presence) is wonderful. So is dancing at home with and without baby. But to frantically get back in shape?


Material desires

I had a B&H giftcard and splurged on an Ona Bowery for Leica camera bag. Already love it so much. Likely one of the few bags you'll ever hear me rave about.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Maja's book launch

It's great!

moment I never would have predicted

Seated at the Italian ice cream place, the 14-year old explains Animal farm to the interested 8 year old?

then they switched to discussing my little pony episodes. love how at that age, there is no hierarchy. everything goes.

I'll never get over the miracle of us being here together

but sure, some times on some days (most of them), she's impossible. 
wouldn't trade niki for anyone though. she's an inspiration on how much trouble you can be with it not affecting love one bit. 

I was always afraid of conflict. but this daughter of mine embraces conflict, rushes into it head on, almost delighted. then tears. and then everything back to normal.